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I shared my miscarriage with people and have always been very open about them. Not everyone chooses to do that though and that's okay. Some don't want to talk about it at all. This can be a difficult time for people so please respect them if they don't wish to talk about it.
I shared my miscarriages for many reasons: 1. I want to celebrate my babies’ lives. All of them were so immensely loved by me and my husband. We are firm believers that they are in Heaven now. 2. I want to educate people who have not experienced a miscarriage on how to help and understand this type of loss. 3. I want to open up the conversation for more people to talk about miscarriage and pregnancy loss. It is a very traumatic loss that no one should have to go through alone or feel that they have to keep it a secret. I want to break the silence. Like I previously mentioned, I am a firm believer that our children are in Heaven and my husband and I will one day be able to reunite our whole family. I thank the Lord for keeping my babies’ safe and pray that He will continue to help us through this hard time.
How to support someone who has gone through a miscarriage:
As far as understanding miscarriage and loss there is so much that is hard to explain. I myself did not understand the depths of the grief and the pain that comes from miscarriage and loss until I experienced it myself. I would not wish this kind of pain and agony on anyway. Some may argue that they weren’t even pregnant for long, they never met the baby, and how could they have so much grief? Trust me, until you go through it (which I pray you will never have to) there is no way to explain the connection you develop very early on and very deeply in pregnancy. Every miscarriage is a SIGNIFICANT loss that leaves a life long impact on the parents and families. Approach this type of loss with the same sympathy that you would give any other death or loss even if you cannot understand it yourself.
I want to share a few things after going through multiple miscarriages I have found to be helpful to say/do and things that are not helpful to say/do. I've learned these things from my own experiences and from resources. I know that I need support and I need help. And I’m sure I’m not the only one, so I want to share these things so that friends/family can know some specific things to help.
Helpful things to say/do: -Pray for them (God does amazing things when we come together and pray) -Offering to be there for the parents (even just sitting in silence sometimes is supportive) -Offering hugs, holding a hand, touching a shoulder and offering love (this is such a hard time, both parents may have many hard feelings. They need to know that they are loved during this time. These are also helpful for comforting the parents) -Checking in on them (most parents who are going through a loss do not have the time or energy to remember to reach out to let you know how they are doing they need you to take that step -Saying “I’m sorry” is appropriate -Saying “I’m here. I want to listen” is appropriate -Saying “This must be hard for you” is appropriate -Saying “What can I do for you right now?” or specifically offering things such as “Can I bring you a meal?” is appropriate and very helpful -Allow them to have time; everyone grieves in different ways and at there own pace -Ask them how they are doing (Do not forget to ask the dad how he is doing as well. This is a very difficult time for BOTH parents.) -Talk about their babies’ ask them about there experience. If they are not ready they will tell you. However, this is there child, like any other parent they likely want to talk about their baby, even if it's emotional. -Call the baby by name if you know the name. If you don’t know ask if they named the baby, if so what is the name? (This is very comforting and shows that the baby’s life was real and they did exist.) -Offering any other typical support for a loss (i.e. Flowers, preparing meals, sympathy cards etc.) -Remember the parents on special days (i.e. Mother’s day, father’s day, birthday’s, due date anniversary of the death). These types of days can cause a lot of painful reminders. -Acknowledge the parents as a mother and father. They ARE a mom and a dad even if there babies didn’t make it to the world or didn’t live long.
***If you know someone who had a loss long ago and you have remained silent because you didn’t know what to say or do, it is never to late to reach out and express your sympathy and help. The parents will never forget the loss of their child so your support will always be impactful.
Some things NOT to say or do: -Do not ignore the parents or avoid talking about the loss -Do not saying “You’re young” or “You can have others” (This is extremely hurtful and feels as if you are disregarding the significance of the loss. They have still lost their baby.) -“You have an angel in Heaven” (though some parents may come to terms with and feel comforted by knowing that their baby is in Heaven and they will see them again this is not a helpful thing for other people to say to them. They want their baby here with them regardless if the baby is in Heaven.) -“This probably happened for the best.” (A loss is never the best)
-"At least you know you can get pregnant" or "At least you can try again" (this really dismisses and belittles the persons grief) -“Better for this to happen now, before you knew the baby” or “at least you weren’t far along.” (There is a very special bond that occurs between parents and a child. For me it was established long before I even conceived either time. Zach and I have prayed for and planned for a family. Bonding with our babies’ came instantly when we saw that positive pregnancy test) -“There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway” (I would take a handicapped or special need child. I would love my baby any way they are!) -“Don’t be sad” or “Don’t cry” (sadness and crying are part of grief. Allow the parents to grieve, as they need to. There is no right or wrong way to grieve or length of grief.) -“Don’t dwell on this. Just put it behind you.” (This again is another way that feels like you are disregarding the loss. They lost their child. That is a big deal.) -“If you need anything call me” or “let me know if you need anything”(the parents probably won’t reach out because they don’t want to burden you or ask for help even if they need it. But they are so exhausted as is. Reaching out for help is the last thing they will think of.)
A lot of the resources were from some bereavement pamphlets I received. I just really want to help others so that my babies’ lives have purpose. They may have been small, but they all left footprints on my heart.
“There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.”
Thank you for keeping my sweet babies safe Lord, please tell them how loved they are.